Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
