Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
