I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
