my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
