I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
