Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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