you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
