i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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