Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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