oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
