You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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