Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
