u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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