Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
