Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
