peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
