I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
