my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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