I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
