Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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