Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
