Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
