You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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