I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
