So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
