I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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