I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
