So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
