I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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