just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
