I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID