the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..