I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
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All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that