The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
