By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
