The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
These Medical Professionals Recall the Worst Cases of Hypochondria They’ve Seen
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just want nice things and good sex
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.