What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!