remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?