You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
