it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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