I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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