she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
