Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
