I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
