I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
