Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I touched a dick in church today
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
