Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
