I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
