and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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