I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
