I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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