last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
