If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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