Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
