You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
