Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
