Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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