So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
