Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
