Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
