I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
