so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
