even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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